Powerg-RAAB!
Deputy prime minister seeks to consolidate position as Boris Johnson's condition deteriorates
Raab appears to be jostling for top spot
Officials in Whitehall have become increasingly concerned with Dominic Raab’s erratic behaviour and fear he is laying the groundwork for a bid for the leadership in the midst of the Covid-19 crisis.
“It’s really ramped up the past few days, he only ever refers to Boris using the past tense now. It’s particularly unnerving when he starts talking with that dead-eyed stare of his, it’s starting to upset some of the junior civil servants,” a source revealed.
They continued, “it gets even stranger though, every day at cabinet we read out the latest report into the prime minister’s health and whenever there’s a particular gruesome or worrying part you can see Dominic lick his lips and one time he thought he was on mute and we could hear him moaning with pleasure. It was disturbing.”
A source close to Raab’s family said that he takes a print out of the reports and goes to the bathroom with them for 10-15 minutes at least twice a day, “sometimes more depending on how bad it is.”
A senior minister said that the deputy has even taken to making crass jokes, “on one call he said it would be funny if we paid some nurses to fart into the prime minister’s ventilator. That did not go down well. Look, we know politics is a tough game, one man’s misfortune is another’s opportunity and all that but there are certain rules of engagement. It’s just not on.”
“There is this weird rhyme he sings under his breath,” stated another source. “‘Snotty, snotty, not so naughty, COVID-19 got me hotty, when Rabbie get to be the bossy now we’ll see who calls him sloppy.’ The way he says it is like a little child. It just really gives me the creeps.”
A spokesperson for Dominic Raab said, “the minister categorically denies these allegations and would like to go on record to say that Boris Johnson was the best prime minister he ever served under.”