Forde's Frolic Fiasco

The puppet pictured just before it was sent to The Hague

Despite only revealing his time on the new series of Spitting Image yesterday “funny man” Matt Forde has already been fired from the revival show after enaging in what witnesses claimed was an ‘utterly depraved’ sex game multiple times with the show’s Tony Blair puppet. One actor, now suffering from PTSD, claimed that Forde became infuriated that doll did not have a simulated prostate, screaming at aides ‘how the F*CK is daddy going to get his milk now??!!!”

We spoke to the show’s producer Nathanial Footlight who said. “We first knew something was up when we smelled sh*t. It’s a stink that follows Matt around, which we didn’t know about when we hired him but soon revealed to itself to us and was confirmed by many. We had cut for lunch after doing a scene where Tony Blair is helping Dianne Abbott learning to count and we needed to wipe down the puppet before putting it into storage and there was just this whiff of pure sh*t, like a dog that had been eating tripe, and I was thinking ‘what is Matt up to?’ We went into the storage unit, there he was on all fours with a big wad of jizzum strewn on the floor and with the Blair puppet mounting him and pulling back his hair. I mean it was obviously Matt controlling the puppet but for a moment it did appear very life-like.”

The piddling comedian is known for his obsession with the former Prime Minister, often tweeting erratic and pseudo-sexual rants about him. During the Edinburgh Fringe, he is famous for flyering on Blair street in what he thinks is some sort of clever joke but many comedians just complain that “he stinks out the joint and makes the entire street smell like sh*t”. An anonymous source, Kevin Bridges, said “he sh*ts himself on the reg, because he’s a disgusting f*cking c*nt, just an absolute b*stard. It’s f*cking vile.”

Forde was arrested and charged with damage to property. The judge presiding over the case said. “Not only does the plaintiff smell like a diaper that a 3-month-old baby has had the squits in but he has also shown utter recklessness in his sexual proclivities. What a man does with, say, a puppet of Tony Blair or a monkey’s paw that he bought from a nice little seller in Cairo is between him, his mistress and his anus. But to make it publicly known that you like to stick a monkey’s paw up your back passage and make unwise wishes so when it curls it hits your g-spot…well, that just lacks decorum.”

In a particularly pathetic incident, Forde was escorted from the courtroom screaming, “don’t you know who I am?! I was voted the 91st most influential leftist by Iain Dale in 2017! I’m as left as they come, I will f*cking kill you and your family you total f*cking c*nt!” Unsurprisingly, the judge took this outburst into consideration and added another four months onto his sentence.

As word of the sentence got out, the veil of omerta that surrounded Forde fell apart with a close confidant, who definitely wasn’t Stephen Fry, finally revealing, “he’s just a total f*cking worm, if I had my way I’d garotte him in front of his family, but like in a funny way way, you know what I mean? His howls of agony would be hilarious, like the funniest thing he’s ever done. Just imagine how much pain he’d be in. Yeah, that would f*cking rule. But then I’d have to get close to that smell. Sorry, what was the question again?”

I tried to meet Matt to get his side of the story but the total pong that was coming straight from him was unbearable and crinkled the led in my pencil.