Leading figures urge voters to reject Corbyn and Labour

In a last ditch attempt to prevent a Labour government, an open letter denouncing Jeremy Corbyn has been written by a host of leading cultural figures including scientist Brian Cox, actor Emma Kennedy, comedy writer Armando Iannucci, radio host James O’Brien and a slew of well-known standups such as Ricky Gervais, David Baddiel and Dara O’Briain.

In the letter, also signed by Peep Show creators, Robert Webb and David Mitchell, journalists Suzanne Moore and Marina Hyde, comedians Eddie Izzard and David Walliams, Blur guitarist Alex James and former Labour grandee Alistair Campbell, the electorate are urged to consider the damage to the country and the finances of the wealthy should Labour win on 12 December.

“We are alarmed by the range of issues that Jeremy Corbyn has both downplayed and outright ignored during his time in politics. We the undersigned present a litany of his most egregious offenses and omissions in the hope the public finally realise what a grave danger this man is. Also, it is a gross violation of our human rights to be asked to pay a proportionate amount of tax relative to our income.”

Many signatories released individual statements, both written and on video, giving their reasons for why they felt they could not support Labour and by extension would instead implicitly back a Conservative government led by Boris Johnson once he emerges from hiding in a fridge to avoid questions about a four-year-old pneumonia victim.

Emma Kennedy called on Corbyn to “apologise for the austerity measures you tacitly endorsed by occupying the same building [Parliament] as the Conservative and Liberal Democrat government that implemented them. You must resign.”

Scottish OBE holder and former satirist Armando Iannucci released a joint statement with Alistair Campbell, “whilst we have had our differences in the past, Brexit has shown that we are a formidable team. Armando now acknowledges it was wrong to oppose the Iraq War and as Jeremy Corbyn will not do likewise it shows how inflexible and unsuitable a candidate he is. We cannot allow sentimentality about thousands of dead children in the Middle East get in the way of the far more important task of stopping Brexit.”

Author Nick Cohen’s intervention takes the form of the same article he’s been writing in The Observer for the past four years. In it, he details several unhinged conspiracies about the Labour leader and his advisor, Seumus Milne, all of which are true, whilst the rest of the editorial staff try desperately to ensure he doesn’t notice the new intern who started her placement yesterday.

James O’Brien, decried what he sees as inaction on tackling inflammatory rightwing rhetoric, “for many years now Mr Corbyn has done nothing to stop me sharing a studio with toxic individuals such as Nigel Farage, Nick Ferrari or even Katie Hopkins. It pains me greatly to know that my wages are paid in part by the invective of these individuals but unfortunately there is literally nothing I can do about the situation. Corbyn chooses not to intervene because he is so leftwing he’s come round the other side and ended up on the right.”

Popular columnist, Loutner Nhoj, writing under a pseudonym for fear of reprisals by Momentum thugs, wrote, “I have never been invited into the Labour leader’s abode, thus not allowing me to pass the threshold of his mansion (worth £1m, I hasten to add). Every time I have had the displeasure of talking to him, his breath has always reeked of garlic, a smell I find most distasteful.”

David Baddiel, in a deeply personal video, recounts a harrowing experience at the hands of the then backbench MP. “During The Mary Whitehouse Experience, Jeremy Corbyn attended a taping and later I found him flagrantly socialising with my former comedic partner Rob Newman. It’s no coincidence that after our split Newman has become one of the funniest and thought provoking standups championing left wing positions. Meanwhile, I have gone on to be described as a comedian that is ‘on this evening’ when I’m not producing a radio show that lets people like Germaine Greer complain about PC culture as an excuse to obsess over trans people,” he said whilst removing a thick layer of shoe polish from his face.

Eric Idle, a name and job description, whined that “as you all know, at times there was crossover between Python and the Beatles. When making The Rutles, George Harrison confided in me that Jeremy Crobyn had actually been the root cause of the Beatles breakup not Yoko Ono.”

Physicist Brian Cox shot a video aiming to provide a solution to the country’s political quagmire, “I propose a simple fix whereby all voters must take a test, not unlike that seen in Apartheid era South Africa, which determines what happens to one’s vote. The ballots of those who fail the test will be considered to be both a vote for and against the party indicated until someone of suitable intelligence, say, I dunno, a professor of particle physics at the University of Manchester determines whether it should count or not,” before staring at the camera for far too long with the facial expression of a serial killer.

Robert Webb said, “Corbyn’s silence on the slavery suffered by the Israelites under Rameses II is unforgiveable and that he sent a letter of condolence to the Eqyptian government for the death of the pharoah’s first born son was both bizarre and incredibly revealing. This man is not fit to be prime minister.”

Webb’s partner David Mitchell claimed, “last week I stubbed my toe, which resulted in a large amount of bruising and swelling, and yet again the silence from the leader of the opposition has been deafening. It really hurt. There is no way he can be trusted with the NHS given his callous disregard for suffering.”

In another video Ricky Gervias says, “The thing is right, yeah, right (sucks through teeth) Corbyn, right, yeah, (sucks through teeth) bit of a commie Stazi, yeah? See what I’ve done there? Stasi and Nazi in one word, very clever. (laughs really loudly and annoyingly).”

Matt Forde was also one of the signatories despite being neither well-known nor funny.