A new Great Charter to be signed between state and landlords

There is nothing so sacred as the land and those that own it. Just as the kings of old drew their mystical powers from their estates which aided them in their vanquishing of the Vikings, the Irish and rebellious Scots so too must we. If we wish to defeat the scourge of our age, Covid-19, we must draw power from the fine and pleasant acreage of England. So in a visionary move the Alfred the Great of our day, Boris Johnson, has set in motion new legislation to strengthen the bonds between landlords and the government in what some in Whitehall have called Magna Carta 2.0.

The first clause to be touted is a Debt Jubilee for all property owners without means testing. At our round table discussion (just like Arthur’s famed countertop!) a spokesperson for the Conservative and Unionist Party cleared up some points. “Let me be clear, people are going to suffer during the pandemic, there is no doubt, so we want to lessen that burden. For example, homeowners might have put money into cruises they won’t be going on or they might have recently taken out loans for a boat of their own. That means they could be in debt through no fault of their own, so we think that forgiving these debts is the humane thing to do.”

When I asked the spokesperson if they were considering forgiving the debt of people that did not own property we both laughed so hard it was as if every grain of coffee in the silver crested cafeteria between us contained a brilliant bon mot of its own.

More controversially, all renters that die during the pandemic will have their possessions, bank balances and life assurance payouts automatically transferred to their landlord, negating any previous wills or marital status. This will ensure that the property owners will not be left out of pocket by their tenants passing. “Of course, if the renter is in debt, that balance will be passed on to the next of kin who will be expected to pay it off as soon as possible or face a possible custodial sentence,” stated the spokesperson reasonably.

The most contentious aspect of the proposed raft of laws is also the most polemical and relates to those who have only managed to accumulate one property in their lifetime. I proffered the question to the spokesperson who at first looked at it like a cold bit of sushi but soon I was able to warm it up into some fine goose fat soaked and crispy salmon.

“Look,” he said, “people that are already owners of many properties or land holdings have in my and the government’s eyes proven that they are responsible citizens, whether through fine breeding or design. I mean it’s just common sense really, the cream rises to the top.”

“So we think that when the house or apartment of someone with a less than impressive property portfolio comes back onto the market because of the…well, the ‘retirement’ of its owner it should automatically become another holding in the barony of the closest landlord. Is it strictly fair? Probably not. But will it ensure that the properties are maintained and well looked after? Almost certainly.”

Relatedly, the legislation also makes provision for crisis situations where there is a shortage of properties in an area for landlords to expand their portfolios. Should this case arise, there will be a legal provision to requisition the homes of people with one property who will in turn be required to pay rent at a level set entirely at the discretion of their new landlord.

When I asked if there were any plans to formally announce this the spokesperson stated, “we will continue to only release statements through media sources that are favorable and more importantly unquestioning of our motivations and actions.”

Let it be known that I for one cannot wait to see this new great charter be signed next to the fine waters of Runnymede.