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CecilCentigrade@CecilCentigrade

Starmer Stasi 🧵

A journalist says he was abducted and interrogated by Keir Starmer's leadership campaign enforcers.

Starmer Stasi, part 1 of 4: NEWS / My Starmer Stasi Psychos hell / I was brutally tortured by Labour frontrunner's hit squad / By Cecil Centigrade / 11:28, 19 JAN 2020 | UPDATED 11:36, 19 JAN 2020 [Photo: Keir Starmer gesturing with both hands raised, one finger pressed under his nose, against a red background] Starmer has crack team of enforcers
Starmer Stasi, part 2 of 4: Yesterday I noticed a hastily deleted tweet made by Labour leadership candidate Keir Starmer's website: it appeared to be a message that was intended to be private that had been accidentally posted as public. These sort of gaffes happen all the time so I made a note of it on my feed and thought nothing else of it. / As it was I had much more important plans with a trip to Ilford I'd been long planning to investigate the strange case of investigative journalist Jimothy Baker who has been detained in prison after a white collar bare knuckle fight went horribly wrong. But I never made it to Ilford that day because I was abducted on my way to the train station by a gang of Starmer's heavies who I dub the Starmer Stasi (SS). / The SS seem to be Stamer's ground troops and should he be elected will enforce political discipline in the Labour Party in a way that Momentum can only dream off. I was hooded and brought to a dark site in a manner eerily reminiscent of David Milliband's preferred technique of extraordinary rendition before undergoing 5 hours 'enhanced interrogation techniques'.
Starmer Stasi, part 3 of 4: The dark site appears to be run by Matt Pound, a Starmer advisor and leader of the anti-Corbyn Labour First group. He spent over an hour ranting to me about the hard left before I reminded him that he was supposed to be asking me questions rather than monologuing. When I inquired about who the hard left were, he muttered darkly about Neil Coyle and Ken Clarke. Listening to him speak was by far the worst part of my experience. / What followed then was a brutal assault that was clearly in defiance of the Geneva Convention. I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch a looping clip of Tony Blair's speech to the House of Commons arguing in favour of the Iraq War whilst another SS member wearing a Tony Blair mask shouted Sure Start statistics in my ear. Think Clockwork Orange made by some long 90s policy wonk on crack and you'll be getting close. / After a few hours of this I was then brought to the torture room where I was subjected to a vicious paper cut on my index in an effort to make me admit that the tweet I'd posted had been faked. Ironically, if they'd just asked me politely at the train station I would happily have done so but this was now a matter of principle. I am proud to say that their efforts to break me as a man was completely unsuccessful.
Starmer Stasi, part 4 of 4: My escape from this SS hall of horrors was helped in no small part by the aforementioned Pound. When my original interlocutor was having no success in extracting the information he wanted from me, Pound took over the interrogation and launched into yet another lengthy diatribe about Jeremy Corbyn and the Stalinist Trotskyites running the Labour Party. Unbeknownst to him I had managed to loosen my restraints and when the had his back to me in the midst of a particularly virulent attack on Jon Lansman I jumped from my seat and used their weapon of torture against him by giving him a paper cut on his jugular vein, temporarily incapacitating him. / Once I had managed to exit the site I made my way to one of a number of safehouse I have access to in the city before embarking on a long period of self-reflection before writing this piece. I would also like to thank my editor for having the courage to publish this piece knowing the inevitable backlash it will receive from the SS and those involved.
4 images · 19 Jan 2020 · Twitter for iPhone
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Kev 🇬🇧 @kev_1979
Replying to @CecilCentigrade
LINK???
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CecilCentigrade @CecilCentigrade
Replying to @kev_1979
it's the second tweet you cunt t.co/fuFmMur
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