Corbyn: the first 100 days

It is a cold April morning when the crumpled Glorious Leader takes to the No.10 podium. His words are meant to sooth a nation, but I and many like I refuse to be comforted by this wet sock of a man.

I never thought I would find myself paraphrasing the famous words of Marx but as we stand here, 100 days on from the shock victory of the Labour Party in December’s election, it feels eerily fitting. *There is a spectre haunting England, the spectre of Corbynism.*You might think it is ridiculous that a true socialist like myself (as opposed to that Momentum rabble) would be interested in someone like Karlton Marx but these are strange times we live in.

As Covid-19 sweeps the country, the electorate has already begun to experience buyer’s remorse and yearns for the steady hand of a Conservative and Liberal Democrat coalition who would surely have better handled this unprecedented crisis. And as a former pandemic lawyer with more than 4 years of experience, I know what I am talking about.

In fact, I believe these parties to be the rightful government after what I have called the “stolen election” (if you sum both their votes and add fifteen percent they would have won had a clear majority). Just imagine Prime Minister Jo Swinson addressing the nation rather than the doddering old man we’re lumbered with now. If only….

As a socialist I have voted for many of the parties (Lib Dems, Greens, Conservatives). I want a state that supports the vulnerable and helps people, like me, when they need it. I don’t want to see the NHS dismantled. I don’t want to see social housing sold off and I don’t want to see our nation’s assets squandered. And this is why I could not bring myself to vote for the scruffy dictator who now presides over our country. He is an architect (of whom I know many) of disaster.

Alas, I must return to the real world with its plagues, both literal, coronavirus, and figurative, political extremism on both sides, although almost exclusively on the Left. And as a former pandemic and human rights lawyer with more than 6 years experience, I know what I’m talking about.

The government moved quickly to lock down the country in late February, showing its deep authoritarian instincts. The spread of the virus has not been as rapid as the models suggested, proving I was right in saying it had all been blown out of proportion for political gain. As a former pandemic and human rights lawyer specialising in Russian internment with more than 12 years of experience, I await the first gulags.

And what of our youth? The grubby Corbyn bribe of free university lies in tatters as all our schools have been shuttered. The great Mother Theresa once said, “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for our children,” yet how can we live up to such an ideal now that education is effectively illegal. And think of all the mothers who used to have carefree days of bottomless prosecco with friends now forced to interact with their children: that makes us braver than any doctor, of whom I know many.

With the hard left now in charge, they have set about further exploiting the crisis to implement their crackpot economic policies. Much of the economy has been nationalised and “The Party” is now paying the wages of most of the country, further tightening its iron-fisted grip on the economy. And as a former lawyer specialising in market ownership law with more than 16 years of experience, I know what I am talking about.

Entirely sensible ideas like means-testing and sanctions have been thrown to the wind, meaning some of the undeserving poor are significantly better off than before. As a benefits lawyer with more than 19 years experience, I have prosecuted many of these types of cases, they are a vital tool.

Even worse, there is now talk of Universal Basic Income, yet another sop to the workshy. Much better to adopt the more moderate and apolitical approach proposed by the Liberal Democrats of a low interest loan every citizen is compelled to take out voluntarily, which would help the most vulnerable and still turn a profit for the state.

But such financial recklessness is going to be the hallmark of this cadre of comrades and I’m reminded of a famous quote from Tony Blair that I think we will be hearing very often in the ensuing years: “The trouble with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money.”