Perth election on a knife edge as Conservatives and SNP battle it out

With only one week left until the country goes to the polls, up and down the land it feels like it is all to play for. Even seats that have been safe since the formation of Labour look like they could topple. One of the smallest constituencies in Scotland, Perth and North Perthshire, is home to the country’s tightest marginal in this election, with just 21 votes separating holders the SNP from the Conservatives.

Two years ago if you said that the Scottish Highlands were even in play, most would look at you as if you’d said you had a pint or three with Nessie. But the local Tory, Alec Innes, is hoping to gain a rare win for Scottish Conservative Party. “The SNP have held sway over the good people of Perth and the surrounding area for far too long,” he says in between sips of Techuctars Nappies - a popular local beer - “from Aberfedly to Tullybeton people are hungry for change.”

It is a bold statement but Innes has a bold strategy: in his own words, “I’m not playing by the rules”. If he sounds familiar that is because you might have seen him in a popular viral video that has been shared thousands of times in the past few weeks. In it, Innes can be seen driving around the Puredreich estate of West Perth blowing an air horn at 8 in the morning. “I want to get these people off the dole and into a job. They should pull their socks up over their ankle tags and get out there in the big bad world”, he is heard saying whilst ABBA’s Honey, Honey blasts through his car radio.

In the video, multiple people are seen opening their respective windows and doors and shouting at him to be quiet. When I ask him about this, he says, “look everyone on that estate is a total chancer and they’re just living off benefits. If it were up to me I’d have them up at 5am working on one of our local berry farms, that way at least they’d be helping the area. No one should be in bed at 8 in the morning, they are just total dossers”. When I asked him if he’d considered people who work night shifts he pretended to slip into a diabetic coma.

As you can tell, Innes has a reputation as a bit of an eccentric and one incident from our meeting stands out in particular. Half way through the interview I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I returned he was absolutely frantic, telling me that he thought I had just completely vanished once I left the room. It was only when I probed more deeply that I realised that for him when someone or something leaves his field of vision he often thinks the object or person ceases to exist. I found this extraordinary and asked him if he’d seen a doctor about it to which the response was “yes but when the doctor left the room I never saw her again”.

Afterwards, I decided to explore the local area to see what people thought about this divisive Tory in the SNP heartlands. Whilst passing through the commuter town of Blairgowrie I found a few men in their local alehouse musing on politics. “Look, Wishart [the SNP candidate] is a fine lad, gid keyboard player in that Runrig, he comes down for the odd pint or two and buys us all a round. We know him, we see his face. This Innes lad, on the other hand, he’s just a wee weirdo. I’m not sure he’s all there, like. Last year he came to see my son’s Easter play and he was cheering on Pontius Pilate. At the end of the show, he tried to get his autograph”.

A local paramedic who wished to remain nameless called Scott Anderson said, “he’s a fucking cunto. He’s got the sorta puss yea widnae tire of scelping. He can get tae fuck. Last week he was ootside ma house blowing an air horn saying ah shid get oot the bed, I wiz like ‘ho am on the fucking night shift yea bam’ and then I had tae take him to the hospital in Ninewells even though I knew he was faking a diabetic coma.”

Innes has also stated numerous times that the popular actor Sean Connery is a fan and supporter. This does seem to conflict with previous reports that Sean Connery has been a donor to and vocal supporter of the Scottish National Party in the past. I decided to contact Connery’s press office for some clarification and received a prompt reply. “Dish is Shean Connery and what an utter outrage that dish utter eejit is claiming that I shupport him. Whatsh he being doing for the lasht 30 yearsh, I’ve been working my arshe off when he wash at school. I’ve earnt my right to shleep in ‘til after eight if I schow schoose. I’ll be shpeaking with my sholicitor shoon if he keepsh thish up.”

Regardless of celebrity ‘shupport’ or not, one thing is for sure: this seat is going to be one to watch come the early hours of 13 December and you wouldn’t rule out Mr Innes unconventional campaign approach causing an upset. We will know soon enough.