BOMBSHELL: Tory manifesto LEAKED
Now that the general election is rolling in like the thunderous roar when Harry Kane smashes one home for England, it is only a matter of time till the Conservatives trounce the Britain hating, Brexit reversing Corbyn and his gang of Marxist extremists.
Down at Number 10 the boffins are churning out a never ending series of policy bangers. An unnamed source straight from Tory HQ as leaked some of the proposed policies for the 2019 manifesto. We’ve picked out some of our faves:
Manifesto Highlights
- Margaret Thatcher’s birthday to be made a national holiday
- Strengthen laws around fake news, making it an imprisonable offence with all new Twitter accounts to be vetted by MI5
- Minimum of one police officer in every school and for those with poor Ofsted ratings one in every classroom
- Republic of Ireland to be renamed Southern Ireland in all legal documents
- Revocation of the Common Travel Area with strict quotas on immigration from Southern Ireland
- Laws on upskirting to be repealed
- Remembrance Day to be extended to Remembrance Month with citizens encouraged, by law, to wear poppies all year around
- Coalition or possible merger with Liberal Democrats, with Brexit proceeding in exchange for an increase in the 5p plastic bag tax
- Increase of Tory MPs salaries to £200,000, made revenue neutral by reduction of all other MP salaries to minimum wage
- No NHS privatisation 😉
- Pension age increased to 75 except in the North of England where it will be 80
- After leaving the EU, the European Court of Justice to be replaced by a corporate think tank led by Toby Young
- Stephen Yaxley-Lennon to be appointed as the campus free speech Tsar
- All interactions with the state are to start with “go home” just in case.
- Crusader Kings 2 to be added to the national curriculum for GCSE History.
- Internment camps for surplus EU citizens after Brexit ■